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healthy but finding your people (friendship & loneliness advice)

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Struggling with loneliness and making friends? Today, I open up with you about my past friendship struggles and share my top tips on how to find your people in high school, college and post-grad seasons of life!

I know that Valentine's Day can feel lonely for some, and for others it’s a really fun day - but you guys I'm gonna get real with you.

Last Valentine's Day I cried, and probably the Valentine's day before that - oh yeah the Valentine's day before that I also cried - but something that I definitely have struggled with before with my birthday with holidays with all the stuff is having expectations

And when the expectations are not met, I’ve let that ruin my entire day. So something that last year that very very much affected me was getting flowers from my boyfriend. 

I remember last year we had just started dating a couple months prior so I think we started dating in December and I told him “I love flowers and all this stuff” and just for a little back story, I had I had voiced my love for flowers in many other relationships before, but for some reason no one I was dating seemed to pick up the fact that I liked flowers - even though I said all the time. 

I don’t think that’s very high maintenance to want some flowers, they’re like the prettiest things ever. 

So anyways I’d buy myself flowers and I always like deep down really wanted the guy to get me flowers. It was Valentine's Day and my boyfriend hadn’t got me flowers, and I let him plan this entire entire night for us - it was a really fun night, we got drinks at this really cool rooftop bar then we went to this art museum thing - anyways, it was a whole night and I remember I let this one thing ruin my entire night at first because I had really high expectations

Not to say you guys shouldn’t have high expectations. I think we should all have high standards for the people that we date and the friends that we have because if we don’t then we might surround ourselves with people that aren’t the best for us. 

But I definitely let one little thing affect the whole night and it should not have because I didn't give my boyfriend a chance - and listen, I had the expectation of flowers right off the bat: he planned to get me flowers but wanted me to pick them out with him and it was really sweet and it ended up being amazing and fine. But it’s one of those things - communication is really key when you have expectations

I think something that has been very toxic in my friendships in my dating relationships is not knowing how to properly communicate expectations with the person I’m with or vice versa: the person I’m with not knowing how to communicate with me properly. 

I just want to remind you that in any situation - birthdays, holidays - going in with very few expectations has always led to me having the best nights

I think expectations versus standards are different. I think expectations are when you paint out a reality that's going to play out in your mind, and then when that reality doesn't play out exactly, you get upset. Whereas standards are the values I want in a relationship

For Valentines Day, or any day, the fewer the expectations the better. My last birthday I kind of just free-balled it, and I had a really fun birthday - versus other years when I was like type-A plan plan plan, obviously life happens and nothing worked out. I ended up crying, it just wasn’t as fun. So let’s be a little less serious in life - go with the flow and have more fun 

So I hope you had a good Valentines Day - if you didn’t don’t let it affect you too much because it is just one day and sometimes these holidays are a little overhyped in my opinion 

As you know, I moved to a small town in South Florida, and I didn’t know anyone prior to moving down here. So the past few months now I’ve been really shifting my attention and focus to making some friendships and long-lasting relationships. I’m not gonna lie, last week I was feeling really lonely and it was tough, but I think I’m kind of climbing out of that hurdle of loneliness. 

Friendships are interesting. I think sometimes we start off, we meet someone, we’re really excited about their friendship, we have this expectation - like I mentioned - that there’s going to be this whole beautiful friendship. But when actually life happens, and a person that you’re becoming friends with gets too busy or is going through a hardship in their life, they’re not as available to make new friends and it can be really discouraging. I've been going through that a little bit.

I’ve made a couple friends and I have one friend I'm really obsessed with, but I have a lot of friends who are potential friends if that makes sense - like we’re starting to build a friendship

But that's what it was last week and it was really tough. I cried a lot and I just wasn't feeling my best, so I went to Miami and had a little weekend with my best friend from college. Now I’m back feeling good and refreshed, and we’re back to making friendships and relationships and all that jazz 

I just want to remind you that if you are going through a season of loneliness or you feel a little disconnected from the community around you it is really normal and I think in our 20s. If you’re in your 20s, in college or high school, in your 30s - or whatever age - I think seasons of loneliness do happen. 

I’ve noticed once you go past college, everyone’s kind of on a different path in life, and it can feel lonely if you and your best friend are all of a sudden in a totally different walk of life. For example, if your best friend meets someone and they get in a serious relationship while you’re still in your season of singleness, it can feel very lonely and there can be a disconnect - even with your best friend! And I feel like there is like a bit of a divide, but there doesn't have to be. 

I think I was having this conversation today with my friend: we were talking about the importance of remaining friends with someone and continuing to put effort into a friendship even when you feel like you aren’t in the same place in life, because you never know when something could happen and that person could be in the same walk of life as you again. It’s important to keep being in front of someone even though you may not have everything in common with them

I’m reading a book right now by Jenny Allen called “Find Your People” - I actually started reading it when I moved to New York City. I was reading it this morning and it was really cool because this book talked about how not every single person in your life who is your friend is going to fill every area or need in your life.

Something that I think puts a lot of pressure on a relationship: trying to be in a relationship or have a friendship that checks every single box of needs we have. For example, if you're dating someone and you're expecting them to give you all the things that you need to feel social. In the past I've used my relationship and expected they were gonna fill all my social needs, when in reality I needed more girl time and I was wanting them to fill this void - it became very apparent that there are certain things only my friends who are girls could give me. Like talking about periods or talking about really feminine girl things. And I was needing that in my relationship but wasn't getting that, and as a result there was like a disconnect and problems arose.

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